Take 2

I have this run-on habit in thinking that God hasn't and doesn't speak to me. I suppose this could be part and parcel of the feeling I mentioned last week about my not feeling redeemable and acceptable. I suppose that makes sense. If God doesn't find me acceptable why would He think it necessary to reach out to me in a personal way?

I have always had a skeptical mind. Is it a blessing? Is it a curse? I'm not sure entirely. With my skepticism has always come the disbelief or the lack of trust that God would in fact speak to me when I asked Him to. I suppose one has to maintain trust that He exists first of all to carry out hope that He not only hears us, but responds to us as well (see Hebrews 11:6).

So, you can imagine how it could feel like grasping at straws in a whirlwind when you have a hard time accepting God and His acceptance, while having a very juvenile understanding of how He decides to interact with each individual, because, I am told, He interacts with some differently than others sometimes.

 

But if I am to be honest with myself and take time to remember, I should feel obliged to recall that God has in fact interacted with me in a very personal, very real way. Let me list off the vivid ways He has done so.



Jesus put His arm through the loop,
and waiting for my hand to grab His.

I once had the priviledge to practice what's called listening prayer. During this time, the person leading us in prayer asked us to imagine ourselves suspended over the edge of a cliff, holding onto a rope. We were instructed to ask God what our ropes represented in our lives. Mine was courage (and I didn't like that). During this practice we were also instructed to picture Christ somewhere. Jesus was behind me. In my mind's eye, I turned to face Jesus with my rope in hand (I was back on the ground at this point). I then knelt down before Jesus and gave him my rope, which ended up having shrunk in size to the length of my forearm. Our leader asked us to wait to see what Jesus would do with the rope in our imagination. What Jesus did with it was awesome and sobering. He fashioned it into a loop and then put His arm through it to anticipate me placing my hand into His. Amazing.

 

Two other times I can recall God speaking to me through pictures in my mind. Each time was during a time of personal prayer and probably of confession over some bit of regret. The first image God gave me was I was seeing myself in the third person on a mountain top with my arms extended upward. All of a sudden I saw myself dressed in a white robe. The second image happened an extended time afterward. In this image I was watching again from the third person perspective. I saw a crowd of small children walking ahead in the distance. I was only able to see their backs, because they were ascending a path. During this image I saw a little boy, no older than a toddler. This boy was off the path, but was being directed by Christ Himself. Jesus had His palm on the boy's shoulder, encouraging Him on to join the larger group of children to continue down the same path. I believe that little boy was me.


He led me to join His other children.

These images speak to me. If I am wise I will also continue to consider these images from God and nowhere else. These affirm what the Bible says as well about God's acceptance of us. John 1:12 tells us that Jesus has given believers the right to be children of God. The right to be children of God. Just like I was led into the group of other children in the image. Jesus has told me that that is my rightful place, no matter what I think of myself or what anyone else thinks either.

See, I have a way to get down on myself. Recently I have been having a hard time with self-defamation. I have been allowing myself to believe that I can not leave my old self behind, but instead that my old self is my real self. My thought is that if my real self is the one that is sinful, dirty and unacceptable to God, any efforts to live in the New Life (from the New Testament) are faked or put on. But I have to remember that the New Life isn't something conjured up by hard working Christians, it is received by Christians and given by God (Ro. 6:4; 2 Co. 5:17).

Hopefully this song will lift you up, as it does me.