Anyway, what I need to share is something that seems to me as something I shouldn't have waited so long to fully admit to. There has been a silent belief that I always sort of been aware of in me, but I never really decided to consider it and how it has affected my outlook on life. The silent belief is this: I have for a number of year felt that I am exempt of redemption and grace. This is interesting as I have conveyed the message of Christ's Gospel during most of my adult life at Bible Camp and at youth and Sunday School. But here it is, I admit that I don't think I have completely believed that the story of Christ's love applies to me. I'm not sure how much I accept it now as I write these words. This isn't to say that I reject the Gospel, let me be clear. I guess it's more like I haven't felt as if I have been included in this promise, even after my 27 years of life and my profession as a Christian.
It burdens me to know that there is a barrier in the way somewhere deep in my soul that prevents me from growing in the faith as I would like to. Of course this barrier comes in the form of the belief that I am unredeemable. It cripples me from advancing in my discipleship in the LORD and it in fact keeps me enslaved to the sins I wish to conquer, like sexual lust, pride and criticalness. (This list has more sins that should be attached to it, but I can't bring them to mind at the moment.) So, with this insecurity comes the recurring failures to crawl out of the pit of mire (as David describes in Ps. 40).
Having thought about what has influenced this notion I can't help but recollect the experiences I had growing up. In school, especially after Gr. 2 and on, I found it very hard to keep any friendships. It seemed as though my personality never seemed acceptable by my peers. I could make friends from the start, but they never lasted and by the time I finished Gr. 8 in my middle school I really had no friends at all. In fact, when new kids came into the school doors they were influenced by those in the student body not to "like" me or befriend me because I suppose it was the collaborative belief that it was uncool to do so. As a youngster I was very talkative and socially inept. One's reputation depended on deliberately not being my friend or appreciating me. Unfortunately, due to this experience, I after 15 years am dealing with the echoes of unacceptance and ridicule.
Even now as I look back I can recall that not many people at all in my life, took an invested interest in me. In the context of my primary and middle school years, not many bothered to understand me or to find out what mattered to me; this included some of the teachers. To me it seems as if they merely judged me and wrote me off as annoying, even if they didn't know that that's what they were doing at the time. Now, let me be clear that I hold no disdain or resentment toward any of my middle school peers. In fact, after our years schooling together and having entered adulthood, I have seen some of those relationships strengthen and I really look to the lot of them fondly. None of those peers were tyrants in anyway. They just didn't know what they were doing and didn't understand the ramifications of their actions.
Nonetheless, I live and breathe today with the feeling that I am not quite accepted. This feeling followed me into highschool, where it manifested itself in the way I related to those peers. The same feeling followed me and manifested its way into my experiences in college as well. It seems as though no one tried to dig beneath the skin of who I am, but merely acknowledged my social quirks as displeasant and moved on as if that was all there was about me. Sadly, this was all within the Christian context. If Christians couldn't accept me, how could I be sure Christ would? I now feel as if this was an undergirding issue for me all along, and now it's come to light.
So, my prayer is that during this Christmas season I will enter a time with God where He reveals to me how much He does accept me and considers me a part of His promise. Would you pray for me?
This song has touched me over the last few weeks.
Matthew, your honesty and transparency brought tears to my eyes, because I have been there too. In the last couple of years, I have discovered that my undiagnosed depression started when I was 7 years old. We moved, so I started in a new school mid-year. I was put into a split grade 2/3 class. My teacher thought i was unchallenged in the grade 2 work, so she bumped me into grade 3. I, too wear my heart on my sleeve, and acquired the nickname "crybaby". I had one "best friend" who would associate with me when no one else was around, and in grade 6, decided she didn't want to be my friend anymore. Add to the depression the fact that I had lost all my previous friends when we moved, plus the fact that my mom had a baby a couple of months later and I was pushed aside. This depression all came to light a month before my mother in law died. God was using this time to draw me back to Him. I had accepted Christ 20+ years ago, but was not firmly established with Christian friends or mentors and drifted away. Add to that an unbelieving family. Anyway, I knew this depression had to be dealt with. I followed a wrong path as a teenager looking for acceptance and approval. God was telling me to clean out my closets. I had accepted Christ into the hallway of my soul, but had denied Him access to all the rooms. Through church, I received prayer counseling. It's something that is not advertised because some people just wouldn't accept it. If you want to look into it, the website is: http://www.lovehealstv.com/
ReplyDeleteI will keep you in my prayers Matt. Remember Isaiah 61:1 " He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners," We, as Christians, cannot be possessed by demons, but they can enter through lies we are led to believe. It is there that they build their stronghold.
Peace and Joy to you this Christmas :)