I Just Wanna Be a Sheep

2009-09-12T08:35:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been frequently reminded of what the Bible talks about us being like sheep. If you look throughout both the New Testament and the Old Testament you will see that humans (sinners) are described as sheep. One very popular passage is found in Isaiah 53:6 - "We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way"
Sheep are very dumb animals. If anyone has seen the movie "Babe" you know exactly what I'm talking about. Sheep commonly stray from safe places, like pastures, that they have been placed in, especially if there is no proper barrier. Sheep often fall prey to wolves and other predators. That's why, even now, in places where sheep pasture there needs to be defenses, either through secure gating or as they did in the time of the Bible have a shepherd nearby to stand watch and protect sheep from getting lost or being devoured by prey. The nature of a sheep is to follow a leader, that's why I guess they seem so needy to us.
But the more I look at my own life, I see how much I am a sheep and how I fall prey to my predator. Because sheep don't really seem to understand certain dangers, at least that's how they are described, I find myself time and again falling for the same tricks. Namely, I am referring to my sexual addiction. Pornography is a huge danger that I, as a sheep, seem to fall into time and again even though I know the dangers myself, when it comes down to temptation, I fall prey to it very often.
I remember the old camp song, "I Just Wanna Be a Sheep." Well, first of all, as I've been saying, I am already a sheep. Zecharaiah 10:2 says, "The idols speak deceit, diviners see visions that lie; they tell dreams that are false, they give comfort in vain. Therefore the people wander like sheep oppressed for lack of a shepherd." We are all sheep. That's who we are. We are natural followers as human beings. This is evident, at least to me. I've noticed that humans will believe in anything. Even the most "intelligent" people out there can be made to believe anything. All it takes is a good argument and you can convince anybody anything. This is like me. I am a sheep. So, if we are natural followers, what's to stop us from falling into traps, when the leader we are following in fact is a predator?
But, while in nature I am already a sheep, I want to continue to be a sheep. I just want to stay in the sheep pen that I've already been placed in, and rely on my Good Shepherd to help me from straying away from my safe home.
John 10 talks about Jesus being the Good Shepherd who keeps us inside His pen. He protects us from predators. Jesus says He is also the gate of the pen. He closes the gate to thieves and robbers. Jesus says that His sheep know His voice. I guess this means that we know His truth, His love, His grace and His commands. We hear His voice and we know we are protected.
Jesus goes on and says that He has sheep in other sheep pens. Those sheep know His voice too. These sheep haven't been brought into His sheep pen yet, but they know His voice because they too belong to Him. This means that all people on earth know God's truth, but they fall prey to the tricks of predators and have been swepts away by robbers. These are the instruments of the devil, using sin and temptation, or philosophies and spiritual barriers. These sheep are being brought to other sheep pens, dangerous ones, that are not their home.
So, we are sheep. We know God's voice. But some of us are lost. I am vulnerable to become lost if I stray to far from the group of sheep clustered by the Good Shepherd. The robbers sneak in by the pen walls and swoop me up. So, I must want to be a sheep and stay at the Shepherd's feet. I pray that I remain a sheep of the Shepherd who saves me.

Chronicles of a Broken Saint

2009-07-31T07:52:00.000-07:00

I was inspired to start this blog. The postings that I plan to place here are merely my confessions, my dealings, my struggles and my fears written in words. I think that, by doing this, I should find some support in my faith walk with the Lord as well as accountability to stay humble. So here goes...

The other day I was called into a meeting with my residential manager and my coordinator of the agency that I work for. I work for an agency that supports persons with mental disabilities. Anyway, I was called into this meeting in regards to a number of things. I felt overwhelmed at, what it seemed to me, to be a mammoth pile of complaints about me, but the largest issue that was laid before me was an incident that occured between me and one of the persons I support.
I was written down to have raised my voice or have otherwise yelled at this man. Looking back, this was not my intent. Merely, all I was intending to do was aid this man in providing an answer to a question three of us were posing to him. So, once he gave his answer, I repeated it in acknowledgment. However, my voice had been heightened and one of the staff said to me, "don't yell at him." I explained that I was only acknowledging the answer. However, there were two separate incident reports written up reporting this occurrence.
In my line of work, a raised voice is a concern for staff and the government-run Child and Family Services. They regard a raised voice as potentially abusive to the person to whom it's addressed because a person in a vulnerable state, such as a person with a mental disability, is not able to voice his or her perceptions in response. Therefore, every elevated voice becomes an issue because of the uncertainty in the received interpretation.
This wasn't the first time that I'd been reported. In Februrary I was reported to have yelled at an individual I was working with as his Educational Assistant at this agency's center of operations. So, when I got word of a second report regarding my having raised my voice I was very uncomfortable.
This has been an ongoing struggle for me as an adult and even in my childhood. Last Spring, while I was working at Bible Camp, my director called me in to discuss something from the previous year. The camp had received a phone call from a concerned parent stating that her child was in my cabin the summer before and felt threatened to come back if I was still at the camp. Apparently, my demenour around the boy was received to be abrasive, harsh and arrogant. This was a complete shock to me! I never imagined that I came across that way. During my school years, I understood that I had tendancies to be annoying, sometimes pushy and at times definitely stepped over my boundaries. But I thought I had worked past those things by now. I felt so ridden with guilt that I sat down and wrote a series of letters: one to the boy, one to his friend who said he felt the same thing about me (he was in my cabin too), and one to the parents of both children. I explained to them how sorry I was for speaking to the boys in such a matter and how I didn't believe I was demonstrating the love of Christ to them. It was hard for me to write the letters as I did not know the identity of the boys, but nonetheless I felt it necessary.
Right now, in the situation at hand at my work, I really don't know what steps to take. On Wednesday, I was ready to resign. I even wrote out a resignation letter to hand in to my Human Resources officer when I met with her. However, I didn't do anything like that. I was reminded by this dear lady that in tough times come the best growing opportunities. I found myself becoming more at peace as she kept speaking. She heard my view with such understanding. I felt that communication was lacking in the agency. (The other complaints about regarded things that could have been resolved through communication.) She understood my view. She also was familiar with my background.
I come from a family of loud speakers, harsh speakers and hostile confronters. I grew up in a family setting where both my parents were confrontational--mainly to each other and quite often I should add--and so this type of speaking seems to be hard-wired in my system. So I won't recognize my elevated voice. Others, however, will.
Currently, I really don't know what's going to happen to resolve this issue. My agency wants me to continue on. They see strengths in me. Personally, I am struggling with this. I fear that I may continue to come across as abrasive and confrontational. I hope and I pray that God will use this situation to strengthen and grow me to be a strong character of His peace.
I will keep you posted.